While I thank you for taking the time to reply with sincere advice to a stranger’s online rambles, I would like to offer you a simple and truthful quote : “Not all who wander are lost.” This is in reference to the end of your reply : “I hope you find yourself. And when you do you will be able to share yourself with those important to you. Everyone shares in the want to be secure and happy, and have someone to share life with.”

In truth, I feel I have already “found myself”. I know who I am – The good as well as bad. The weakness and strength I carry with me everyday. The beliefs I choose to live by. I know who I am. I “found myself” long ago. The true problem is not “finding myself.” It is simply this : I find it hard to be a part of our society. I do not like people. I do not like the world as it is right now. I do not believe our life should be governed by a number, referring of course to our credit scores. At this time in the world, that is all we are really. A score, A group of numbers. If you have a high score – you pass anything. If not – Your worthless, a bad “investment”. I think its wrong people are viewed this way. Society is in a downward spiral and there is no hope of surviving the fall. Its that simple. What I wish, long for, is to return to a time when a credit score was non existent. Your goodness was your worth. Perhaps the time of the settlers. Where everyone broke their backs to afford little. It made them appreciate life much more. Life right now is worthless and unappreciated. They appreciated every thing back then because of what it took to acquire them. They still had many problems – don’t misunderstand. Life was hard and many could not survive. What I would truly like would be to start my own community. No, not a cult or hippie commune. But yes, a commune, in a sense. Where people live to escape the unhappiness of “civilization”. Everybody keeps to themselves and does their own thing and to make money everybody uses their natural skills to make money. Or whatever career makes them happy. If somebody is good at knitting they can make clothes and things, a gardener grows food, an artist paints, etc. Whatever their talent and skill. Farmers markets are a great way to earn property tax money, selling extra food and etc.

At the moment I have a business selling herbs and spices and things. That is something that could continue to do to raise money. There are plenty of ways of doing it. But again, I ramble…The point is : I’m not lost, I know who I am and what I want. My problem is simply that I do not belong in society. I can not function “correctly” within the walls of civilization. I need to be outside of it. Doing my own thing. I hate going to a grocery store to get one weeks worth of groceries and paying $45 for it. I hate being required to explain my life story to somebody so they can judge my character in order to obtain a job. I do not like being dependent on a job I do not like. What I would like to do for a living is not considered a job – Just a hobby. Granted, my hobbies would enable me to make money off them. However, they would not be able to solely sustain me in this expensive world. If, however, I shared land with fellow artists and creative minds and together we created all we needed to live and sold creations and crops for money to pay for the land – It would work.

As for what you said about material gain, “Unless you inherit a lot of money or win the lottery you will need steady income to get the material things in life you require.” While it is true I do need some money in order to live, I can survive off a pretty low amount. Everybody could if needed too. As for “material gain”, I do not care for manufactured luxury material goods. I would care more for a handmade piece of paper as a gift from somebody rather than a $6,000 diamond ring. Handmade clothes and goods are greatly more beautiful than store bought. Handmade means somebody worked hard and poured their emotions into creating it. Store bought is fake, impersonal – Cheap. No matter how much the item cost them, it is still cheap. Lacking quality and care. Money is easy to come by. Especially since our society is so dependent upon it. The world is built upon greed and envy. That is what we are taught. We tell our children to be thankful for what they have, while they see us neglect them for money. Everybody complains about the youth of America today. Who made them this way. We hand out cellphones to ten year olds and drop them at the mall instead of sending them outside to play tag. Do you think any six year olds would know what you were talking about today if you asked them how to play red rover? No. I think the world would die if all the electric in the world were unplugged for just one day, and I am itching to pull the plug! I don’t need nor want a car – I’d rather walk. I don’t need trendy cloths, I would rather make clothes from rags. I’d rather be thrifty and crafty than rich. Rich people lose creativity because they need only lay down a plastic card to get what they want. I am losing track of the direction of this post.

To get back on track, I feel you misunderstand me. When I said, “I wish I had a hint of what I was trying too teach myself in this life.” It was not a reference to being lost in life. I was basically wondering why my soul would have chosen this type of society to drop me in. Its all wrong for me. I prefer the simple ways of life. So why would I choose to live in this life rather than say a native American back in the 1700s? What could I possible want to teach myself by forcing myself to live through such a disgusting time in the world? Maybe I did not appreciate a former life and I am here strictly to understand how good I had it by being placed in a society I do not agree with. I think this is most likely close but who knows. That was all I meant. I believe the soul has a long journey and many “stops” along the way. This is just a stop I am trying to understand.

Anyway, Again I would like to sincerely thank you for you thoughts and advice. I did not just read it and ignore it. I took it all in and thought of what you said. I believe that in my excited ranting I just did not fully express what was going through my head and did not properly form thoughts into words. As I have re-read this paragraph I realize it all sounds wrong. Quite simply I was just frustrated that I am a number, a low ranking number, and that that number determines my future. My chance of a home of my own, a car, a job. I am an investment. I do not like it. People are more than investments. Every single soul is different. You can not characterize them based on a score. It is wrong. That is all.